Let's talk about LOVE. Yes...love.
I just recently read this book, "You are too good to feel this bad" by Nate Dallas, I highly recommend it if you'd like to make profound, effective changes to your
life...especially if you're dealing with stress or anxiety.
The section where he talks about love is refreshing, and a somewhat painful eye opener. He broke down love into FOUR LEVELS. For me personally, it shined light on how I was currently loving others, made me realize how much I wanted to upgrade the level, and enabled me to have deeper and more meaningful relationships with others. Who knows, maybe it'll do the same for you.
So let's clarify "LOVE"...and the four different levels. While reading this, see which one resonates with you. What do you currently do with others? Which level do you fit in? Be honest!
OK let's go.
Level 1:
Level one love is all about YOU. It's self serving. Selfish. You're with someone to get something out of it. There's a lot of jealousy, possessiveness and self entitlement here.
Level 2:
It's still about you, but a bit more about the other person. It's all about trading. "I'll do this if you do that." "If you take out the trash, I'll do the grocery shopping." "If you don't take care of my cat, I'm not helping you with your mom." If there's a breach in agreement then you back off. There's little intimacy here. There's still a lot of jealousy, possessiveness and self entitlement here.
Level 3:
Your attention is totally on the other person. There's a level of compromise that’s one way. A profound sense of humility to serve someone else. You are happy to give without expecting anything in return. This level increases intimacy and connection. It requires emotional stability and confidence within yourself. It's a higher state of being.
Level 4:
Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela types. Not only do you give unconditionally to your partners.. but to everyone. You see all people as brothers and sisters with a high level of forgiveness and acceptance. This is a higher state of being.
So, which level do you fall in?
If you're in level three or four...that is friggin awesome! Good for you! You can stop reading now. lol.
If you are in level one or two, don't worry, you're not alone! Many of us, if not most, have fallen into these levels at some point in our life. I'll be honest, when I realized I was functioning in levels two (and also one!)...I cried. It hit hard. I saw how I was loving, and I didn't like it. I was sick of it, because I knew how well it was NOT WORKING. And it's thanks to this specific labeling that I've been able to start deepening the connections I have.
The fact is, loving from level one and two is EXHAUSTING. There are so many other emotions to deal with in those lower levels: jealousy, comparisons, possessiveness, entitlement, self preservation, insecurity, fear. Verses levels three and four are much simpler. You just love. There's no longer a need to debate or to overthink things because you've gotten yourself out of the way. What a concept right? We think we're doing ourselves a favor in levels one and two by thinking about ourselves...but we're really making our life much harder than it needs to be.
You may be thinking...how the heck could I love in those higher levels of love with all my past trauma and history. "I've been burned too much!" It's too vulnerable!
Well...that's a great excuse. It is. And it works! Until it doesn't. It's a lonely, debilitating place to push love away. I know from experience...and it doesn't get you anywhere but down. It's also fricking annoying, stressful, and distracting!
In the end, it's always your choice on how you want to love. How much are you willing to try? The past is gone and nothing can be done it about it. It's in your power NOW...today...and tomorrow, to decide how you'd like to love.
Painful to see the level of love you've been practicing? Good! That means there's a chance to change it! Once it's seen, there is now the possibility to do something about it.
If you want deeper connections, try practicing level three/four. See what it feels like to give without expecting anything in return. Offer a helping hand to someone who needs help in the store, invite a friend over for a meal and cook for them, call a family member or friend who you haven't called back in months, give the massage to your spouse even after you've had a long day. Try it out.
As you're strengthening this new love muscle, know that it takes practice and A LOT of discipline. What's important is to keep trying and have a clear direction you'd like to work towards.
I'll leave you with some questions to play with. Have fun! And may LOVE be with you!
Within these 4 levels, where to I spend the majority of my time?
What types of relationships exist in your life?
Who do you keep at level one?
Is level one fair, sustainable, or even worth maintaining?
Should this relationship grow into a level 2,3 or 4 or be dissolved?
How many people do you work and cooperate with in level 2?
What are the negotiating tools and tactics?
Are you a codependent hostage or a high jacker?
Are these relationships stagnant or decaying?
Do you want more out of those relationships?
Who have you kicked out of this level because of broken contracts?
Who needs pardoning, forgiving, or another chance?
Who should receive level 3 love from you?
How would the people you love most respond to level 3?
Are you willing to go 1st?
Are you willing to keep up the practice?
Do you think that level 4 is possible?
Do you desire the peace that would come from this mode of existence?
Are you wiling to surrender anger, jealousy, pain, judgement, and other barriers?
(Questions are from the book, by Nate Dallas).
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